


If You're Still Breathing You're The Lucky Ones

by xLoveMx



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief, Widojest - Freeform, spoilers for episode 105, this is painful you guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25783804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLoveMx/pseuds/xLoveMx
Summary: It’s almost funny how a split second is enough to shatter her heart into a thousand pieces. How a split second is enough to drive her mad.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 19
Kudos: 162





	If You're Still Breathing You're The Lucky Ones

**Author's Note:**

> Not going to lie, when Caleb cast Disintegrate my heart was pounding like crazy, and I was running on 2 hours of sleep. Phew. And while I'm glad that this is the way it turned out, we all love the angst so have some! *hands tissues*

_Mad._

It’s almost funny, because it’s such a small word. Three letters and nothing more, and yet there are so many meanings to it.

Lord Sharp had gotten mad at her little prank. Mad to a point where Jester had packed her bags and left the city, not only for her mother’s sake, but also for her own.

Men and women alike were said to go mad over Marion, The Ruby Of The Sea, spending all their hard-earned money just to be with her for a few hours. Jester had never doubted that her mother was worth every penny though.

Caleb had gone mad in a different way.

_How long were you here for?  
Eleven years._

Jester still doesn’t know what exactly happened, because he just won’t tell her, and she never wanted to push, not with him, not when she can see the panic in his eyes whenever she dares to just poke a little. It’s hard though, because there’s so much sadness.

It’s hard because she wants to wrap her arms around him and tell him that he’s going to be okay. That she can still love him, because she sees the good in him.

Sometimes she wonders though, what kind of mad is she?

There’s anger, bubbling somewhere underneath the surface. Anger that wants to break through, but there’s something else there. Not necessarily holding the anger back but covering it up. Like there’s something more pressing that’s trying to make its way to the surface, something she can’t quite grasp.

She had gone a little mad over Fjord way back when...but all of that seems so far in the past right now, her own lips almost curving into a smile at how naïve she had been. She can hear him calling her name though, it echoes in the back of her head.

_Jester._

And Jester almost smiles.

She’s not embarrassed about it anymore; no. Embarrassment isn’t the feeling that’s holding the anger at bay. She tries to grasp it, momentarily distracted by the way her lungs are suddenly aching.

_Jester._

Underwater breathing should still be up. She shouldn’t be drowning. So why were her lungs burning?

_Get him._

There’s a voice that makes it through to her. A familiar one.

_Get who?_

It mixes with the voice of Fjord inside her head, still calling her name.

_Jester._

Something passes by her, but she barely registers it. She tries to shake her head, tries to get rid of the voice, because it’s distracting. Maybe if she just spoke up, but her lungs are still burning and then someone is screaming.

It’s there, but it sounds almost dull to her ears, like whoever is screaming is far away and not quite near enough to get into her head.

_Get who?_

A hand touches her arm and she instinctively jerks away, as if she’s being burned.

_Jester._

She tries to focus, her vision ever so slightly blurry as the grip around her arm becomes stronger.

_I can’t speak for him, but you do have us._

Another familiar voice that contradicts the one echoing her own name inside her head.

_Caleb._

Her eyes focus on what’s in front of her, speckles of dust and something she can’t quite make out, just there floating through the water. Jester’s free arm is stretched out, but she’s grasping at nothing as something, or someone maybe, is pulling her back.

The ground beneath her shakes and once again something passes her by, but she’s too distracted by the burning in her lungs. It’s getting worse.

A burst of green energy flashes somewhere to her left, and it’s almost enough to snap her out of it.

“Got him!” There’s another voice, mixing with the other ones inside her head, but this one...it’s real. Somewhere, someone is still screaming. It sounds painful, unlike any scream Jester has ever heard. There’s something about it though, something...

“Jester. Darling,” It’s the Traveler’s voice all of a sudden and for a moment she almost smiles, because yeah.

_Mad._

People thought that she was mad whenever she talked about the Traveler, and she had been alright with that for a long time.

_What if it were just you and him, like the old days?_

Caleb always knows what to say. It’s almost funny how he manages to turn her sadness into a smile without her even asking for it. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Caleb is smart.

Expect when he isn’t.

Green cloaked arms wrap around her from behind as the other hand on her arm lets go and Jester doesn’t resist. She watches her own hand drift aimlessly in the water in front of her face, as if she’s still trying to hold on to something.

Her vision blurs again and her throat is burning now, too.

She shouldn’t be drowning. Fjord cast underwater breathing. Much like Caleb casts the dome for them to sleep in every night.

_Caleb._

His face is there for a split second, with the almost bashful smile and a determination in his eyes. A determination to finish off their enemy, to protect his friends. His family.

To protect her.

It hits her like a ton of bricks.

The way she turned to look over her shoulder, heart caught in her throat. The look of realization on his face. The failed spell. The way his expression went from utter panic to almost relief when he noticed that it was being reflected on himself. Not on any of his friends.

All of that in a split second.

_Jester._

It’s almost funny how a split second is enough to shatter her heart into a thousand pieces. How a split second is enough to drive her mad.

The arms around her body hold her tighter now and she catches a brief glimpse of the lifeless figure of Vokodo floating slowly down towards the ground, arrows and bolts sticking out of his body.

“We have to go.”

She’s being pulled into what seems like a hundred different directions, her head spinning, but it doesn’t really matter.

Her lungs are still burning, and it all makes sense.

_Caleb’s gone._

And Jester is still screaming.


End file.
